When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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