This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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