I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I could make wine with my vomit
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
