accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
