I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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