I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
