never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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