I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
