So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
