We named our party play list daddy issues
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
