On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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