She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just cut my nipple shaving
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
