I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
