you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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