remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
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Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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