I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
