Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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