im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sext me about skeletons
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
