We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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