Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
