I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
