a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
