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is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
