he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
