People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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