in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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