on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We are two peas in an std pod
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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