you would pick up someone in the library
this boner is exhausting
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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