Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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