Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
