I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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