i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
