By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
