my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
