I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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