I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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