The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
