ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
