I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
