Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
