the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
