OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
