Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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