my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
