that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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