They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i love accidental penises.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
