Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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