and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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