Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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