just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
