I murdered the dance floor call the cops
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
