just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
