The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
