Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
