careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
