The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
did i just pee glitter
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
