I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
