Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
