It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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