I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
